I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
