afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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