Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
We need to rekindle our bromance
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
