I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
