i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
