He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
