Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I booty called her while she was in labor.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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