oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
