you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
