i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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