I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
