I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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