If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
