You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
drinking out of a sandbucket again
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
