So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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