Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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