That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
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