Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
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