so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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