it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
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Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
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When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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