I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
