How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
