Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
