Please, let me fuck your mom
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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