just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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