Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
