I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
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