If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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