this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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