Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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