I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
50% drunk capacity currently
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
