I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
