He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
found the other keg... it's in the tree
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
