Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
