In the future we'll all be gay
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
