OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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