bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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