Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
