One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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