i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
Randomize
