3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
