plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
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