I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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