i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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