don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
