I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
