i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
