all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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