How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
