I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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