she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
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