That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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