I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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