Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
i drank out of a bidet.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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