cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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