Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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