I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
