Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Dignity is for republicans.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
