i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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