Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
